The Relationship Fix by Jenn Mann

Author:Jenn Mann [Mann, Jenn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sterling
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Step 5

Forgive and Make Amends

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.

—Ruth Bell Graham

I am not a therapist who blindly believes in forgiveness. I hear too many stories in my work from people who have been guilted into “forgiving” because someone told them it was the “right” thing to do, they were too afraid of losing an important relationship to process their true feelings, or they were instructed to just “let it go,” without the emotional due process needed to heal and move past the offense that was committed against them.

Forgiveness in a marriage or a romantic partnership is unique because of the special, multilayered bond two partners have with each other. We are invested in our relationship, our future, and, in many cases, share our finances, work, or family. We share everything from our beds to our hearts. I witnessed my own parents, Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil, go through their own ups and downs over the course of over five decades of marriage. Because they wrote songs together, many of which have won gold records and Grammy Awards, their work kept them invested in their marriage, even during the most difficult of times. The early years of their marriage were chronicled in the Broadway show Beautiful, but I am one of the few who had a front-row seat to their personal stories of love and forgiveness. Their ability to forgive and make amends has kept them married all these years.

It doesn’t matter what keeps you “in” your relationship—work, children, or religious beliefs—as long as you are “in.” Some of you may be debating whether or not you want to stay “in.” I believe this chapter will help you to open your heart to forgiveness, when appropriate, and teach you how to make amends, when necessary, a process that will ultimately help you make a healthy choice for your own future. This chapter offers the tools you need to help resolve conflict and heal the wounds that we inevitably experience in coupledom. It will also help you get a clearer picture of your own contribution to the problems in your relationship, so that you can apologize and help heal your partner, as well.

Get Off Your High Horse

No matter how amazing your relationship, spectacular your partner, or great your relationship skills, you will both make mistakes. You will hurt each other, intentionally and unintentionally. At some point, you will disappoint one another, slip up, say things and speak in tones you’ll later regret, be insensitive, inconsiderate, disrespectful, judgmental, or harsh. You will irritate each other at times and alienate each other at others. It is the nature of the beast—relationship tenets we must accept. The more we resist and resent them, the less likely we are to put time and energy into healing and solving problems, and the more likely we are to stay stuck in our self-righteous anger and indignation. We’ve all done it. We’ve all been there. When you are up on that high horse, it

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